Fuck it, we’re leaving Boudreau in.
After what can only be described as the most boring offseason in history (despite the creation of our brand new team), the NHL is finally almost ready to spring it’s patented brand of fun mixed with chronic stupidity on its unsuspecting fanbase (the NHL sounds a lot like Hockeenight now that I think about it). But we can’t start a season without a vague and useless analysis of each and every team, helpfully pegged to a completely arbitrary standard! Thus we are pleased to announce the return of “View From The Top”.
Sure, it’s fun to laugh at the Anaheim Ducks. And easy too. I mean, a franchise that is constantly casting around for the solution to “how do we win a Game 7 at home?” and coming up with answers like “sign Ryan Kesler”, “sign Ryan Miller” and “hire a head coach who can’t work a toaster” is almost pitiable. Luckily, they employ Corey Perry, so we don’t even have to feel bad about it.
FORWARDS:
The Ducks’ forward corps is still led by hair loss enthusiast Ryan Getzlaf and complete shitlord Corey Perry. If you’ve been paying attention (I haven’t) you probably remember those guys a little. Rickard Rickell appears to be the real deal, and while people keep insisting to me that Jakob Silfverberg is too, I steadfastly refuse to believe them. After that the pickings get slimmer: Antoine Vermette is around to pad the faceoff stats, and overpaying Patrick Eaves has never been a bad idea. I liked Dennis Rasmussen when he was in Chicago, but not so much that I’ll like him as a Duck. And Jared Boll’s nickname probably isn’t “Weevil” which is just a crime.
DEFENSE:
Cam Fowler is good. Luckily there’s a chance he’ll be yoked to Kevin Bieksa a black hole of suck from whom nothing good can escape. I don’t know anything about the rest of the Ducks young defensemen, other than I’m sure they’ll enjoy being regaled by Francois Beauchemin’s stories of impressing American sailors into the British Navy prior to the War of 1812.
GOALTENDING:
John Gibson is fine, and I’m sure Ducks fans won’t be screaming for the newly signed Ryan Miller the first time he gives up a soft goal.
INJURED LIST:
You’ve probably noticed the absence of some bigger names above – that’s because the Ducks get their own entry for IR. Ryan Kesler finally proved his theory that the human body cannot withstand that many hits and is out with a busted hip. He’s joined by other defensemen on the team that I know: Hampus Lindholm and Sami Vatanen who are both good but currently have 2 working shoulders between them.
MUNDANE FACT:
Due to the large number of anti-vaxxers in the area the CDC is considering having a cold-sore covered Corey Perry go door to door to beg parents to have their children vaccinated.
ARE THEY BETTER THAN THE LAS VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS:
No. The Golden Knights have never lost a single Game 7, let alone all of them.
